FRF – Preparing for Difficult Conversations

Preparing for Difficult Conversations

Life is full of challenges, and it is assumed that you will have to share difficult news with your child at some point. Here is the guide for how to do this. Remember to PACE yourself:

• Put on your oxygen mask.
  • Check in on how you are doing.
    • What emotions are you feeling? What thoughts are you having? What is happening in your body? You must understand what you are experiencing in order to appropriately communicate this to your child.
    • Death, divorce, sickness, accidents, etc. are hard for anyone. It is expected that these experiences will be as difficult for you as they are for your child. Children do not need to be protected from their caregivers’ emotions. They just need to understand why their caregivers are experiencing these emotions.
• Acknowledge what happened, your emotions, and your child’s thoughts, feelings, and questions.
  • Acknowledge what happened: It is essential to acknowledge whatever the difficult experience is as close to when the rest of those close to the child finds out. You do not want a child to learn bad news via overhearing a phone call, or by being given condolences by someone they are not close to. Children are perceptive and can quickly become aware of changes in others behaviors, routines, etc.
    • Acknowledgement of what happened needs to be done in a developmentally appropriate way. For example, young children are often told that someone who has died has gone to Heaven and that Heaven is in the sky. For many children, they can mistakenly believe that their loved one has simply moved and that there is a place that they can go to visit them whenever they would like. In accordance with your religious views, you can instead speak about death with more finality. For example, “Grandma has died. [insert religious views about where she is now if appropriate] What this means is that you will not see her again until you de when you are much much older [insert exceptions to this in accordance with your religious views, for example “except you might see her in dreams or her spirit may visit briefly”].”
    • For divorce, it is important to explain that it is a result of an incompatibility in partnership, and has nothing to do with the children in that family. For example: “Mom and I are talking to you today to let you know that we are getting a divorce. What that means is that we will not be married any more and I will be moving to a different place. You will stay with me on the weekend and your Mom on night when you go to school. We are doing this because we have realized we are not a good match for each other, and we will be much better parents to you if we are not together anymore.”
    • For language around talking about a large variety of topics please visit The National Child Traumatic Stress Network resource page. Including their video series on a variety of common challenges (i.e., loss, bullying, safety, suicidality, etc.) check out The National Child Traumatic Stress Network video series, available on YouTube.
  • Acknowledge what you are feeling: Let your child know how you are feeling when you break the news about what happened to them. For example, “I am feeling really sad and angry about grandma passing away. I am going to miss her alot so you may see me crying and punching a pillow sometimes. This will help me work through these feelings and hopefully feel a little bit better, but your grandma meant so much to me that it will take me some time to work through these feelings.”
  • Acknowledge what your child is thinking and feeling, as well as the questions that they may have: Your child may experience emotions immediately and have a large series of questions, or they may need time to process everything you have just told them.
    • Be ready for a range of emotional reactions. Please note that when anyone feels unsafe, they are prone to experiencing anger. Anger is a perfectly normal emotion; however, children may need help finding an outlet for their anger that is appropriate and does not hurt others. For indepth information on how to navigate a range of responses, please see the Child Mind Institute Resources.
    • It can be helpful to show your child a list of emotions (please note younger children will only be able to understand the innermost circle of emotions), examples of when they would feel those feelings, as well as, how they may feel in their body. The Pixar Inside Out movies are always a good place to start. For teenagers, please see this Harvard article. Here is a list of books vetted by professionals that cover a range of topics, including feelings,grief and loss.
    • Provide space for your child to answer any questions they may have. When answering questions, do so in a clear and concise way that is appropriate for their age. For example, if a child learns their loved one died because they got sick. They may be worried that they will die if they get sick. Therefore, it is important to clarify the context of why that person died. For example, “Grandma was much older than you. As we get much older, our bodies do not work as well. When grandma got sick, her body could not fight the sickness the way yours or mine can. Our bodies are very strong, so we do not have to worry about that happening to us anytime soon.”
• Comfort
  • It is important to normalize and validate your child’s experiences. It is common for children to feel as though they are the only person going through something, or that their feelings are inappropriate. Prioritize having a sit-down conversation with your child about what they MAY experience. Be sure to use tentative language so that they do not assume that they have to feel a certain way. For example, “After other children have lost their grandmother, they have sometimes felt sad, angry, confused, or relieved. It is normal to feel a lot of different emotions, and I want you to know that I am here to talk to you about anything you may be feeling.”
• Evaluate
  • Younger children may want to be closer to their caregivers, while older children may want to separate. These are not hard and fast rules, so it is important to monitor your child for signs of distress and recovery. Simple ways to monitor your child are to look at how they are sleeping (are they taking longer to fall asleep, are they waking up more throughout the night, are they sleeping more than usual), eating (are they eating significantly more or less that they did before the event), and behaviors throughout the day (are they having more difficulty following directions, are they more worried about things, are they more irritable, are they isolating more, or more clingy). If these changes become more persistent (lasting more than a few weeks), then it may be helpful to seek out a professional evaluation by their pediatrician or a child-trained mental health professional.